Love Lessons: The Good, the Bad, and the Baggage (Without the U-Haul)
Hey there, lovebirds! Let's talk about relationships – the beautiful, messy, and sometimes downright baffling things that add a whole lot of spice (and sometimes tears) to life. As we get older, these relationships require even more work, TLC, and maybe a good bottle of wine after a particularly challenging conversation.
Why the extra effort? Because let's be honest, by now we're all a little set in our ways. We have our routines, our quirks, and yes, a bit of baggage. I always say I will settle for a carry-on, but if you show up on my doorstep with a U-Haul truck full of baggage, do us both a favor and keep on trucking!
Speaking of baggage, let's unpack that for a sec. This emotional baggage can take many forms: physical abuse, past hurts, unresolved issues, financial burdens, or even the ghost of a jealous ex. Sometimes, it can manifest as putting up with bad behavior because, well, that's what we're used to.
But here's the thing: tolerating bad behavior isn't love, it's self-sacrifice. Recently, I came across Alison Armstrong's theory on "Child vs. Parent mode" in relationships. It got me thinking about a recent road trip with my partner. We were driving Big Sur from San Francisco to LA. Anyone who has done this trip knows what I’m talking about. It offers beautiful views for the passenger, but not so much for the driver. Most travelers drive a couple of hours and stop for the night. We did not have that luxury (actually we had no idea what lay ahead). We had started very early in the morning, with nothing more than a latte and a delicious, albeit tiny cranberry muffin. We had been on the road for hours. He wanted to stop for lunch, but our lunches tend to be on the lavish side as we love to sit and embrace the moment (translation: a minimum 3 hour lunch). I wanted to be off the narrow seaside cliff and on solid ground before the sun set. He was understandably grumpy (can you say “hangry”), his knuckles were white from grabbing the steering wheel so tight. I offered to drive but he wouldn’t let me because he was afraid he’d get car sick. So he started acting up (never disrespecting me), but his behavior was what I call acting like a “malcriado” (Spanish for “spoiled baby”). He was whiney. The old me would have egged him on, escalated it and caused a bigger issue than what was necessary. But instead, I gave him grace, understanding that his blood sugar was low and he needed sustenance. It was out of character for him to behave this way, but under the circumstances, his behavior was warranted. So I brought it down, and shortly thereafter we stopped at a roadside gas station and got him a candy bar. He was great after that.
Here's the key takeaway: In that moment, acknowledging his need for food (and a break from the wheel!) instead of escalating the situation was crucial. It wasn't about condoning his behavior, but recognizing a temporary lapse caused by exhaustion and low blood sugar. It’s also important not to take these things seriously and have short term memory (forget about it shortly thereafter).
The trick is to understand the difference between a one-time blip and a chronic pattern. If your partner is consistently disrespectful or puts your well-being last, then maybe it's time to re-evaluate the route of your relationship (and maybe ditch the co-pilot who throws tantrums for good).
Relationships are all about growth, communication, and a whole lot of grace. Learning to navigate the baggage, celebrate the good times, and weather the storms is what makes a love truly fulfilling. So, ditch the resentment, embrace understanding, and remember – a little short-term memory (when it comes to minor annoyances) can go a long way.
Now, go forth, love fiercely, and create a love story that's as epic (and scenic) as the Big Sur highway – with a few less hangry meltdowns, of course! (Remember to pack snacks accordingly)